do you ever feel like you have lost yourself. lost who you used to be, never intended to do so, but you did.

I feel like this right now. I remember back to the times when I first started my party life, I was 20. I didn’t start off drinking so much, I started off smoking pot. the first major night that I had parting was at a ladies home by the name of Dixie. yes that was her name.

I was invited over by a person that I was hanging out with at a local bar. (yes I went to a bar but never drank) I went with them over to Dixie’s and was introduced to everyone. some I can remember and some I cannot. the point is, this was the first night that I ever really drank, and I got hammered.

the next day we left to pick shrooms at Dixie’s farm. first of all, I didn’t have an idea of what shrooms were or anything about them. I set off on this journey with several people that stayed the night at Dixie’s. I learned how to tell which mushrooms were shroom. I walked around the cow field that morning with a hangover and a headache. the morning sun was starting to turn hot. it was beating down on the back of my neck and causing my headache to become worse, still I pressed on.

later on, back at Dixie’s, I learned how to make shroom tea. I even chopped up a cap and rolled it up with a piece of ham lunch meat. I wasn’t really sure of what was supposed to happen. I had a half hit of acid a few years before but never really experienced anything from it. I can’t say that I really experienced anything from these shrooms. the grass felt nice, and the rain was also wonderful.

as the day started to give way to night I was just enjoying the day with people that I never knew. I was just living. for the first time in my life I was just living. I don’t think that it was because of the shrooms or the booze. I think that it was because I was just enjoying life.

from there, I met a guy named Nick. this guy was a pot head. I had smoked pot maybe twice before I met him. Nick was not just a pot head though. he was a get high any time on any thing he could head. I remember watching him sniff lighter fluid. if this guy wasn’t fucked up on something he was trying to fuck some chick or fuck over someone he knew.

so while I was hanging out with him and another guy, the name escapes me right now but it started with an R, I think. anyway, Nick wrecks my truck, I take the insurance money and get Rich’s crap from the cops, because his house had be raided before. loaded all the crap up and moved to texas.

when I got to texas I really wasn’t sure what I was going to do for a job. I found one a Everyone’s Internet. I don’t think that it is in business any longer, but that is where I worked for about 3 months. I smoked pot on the way to, during, and from work. I was really just enjoying life and I was not threat to society or myself from what I could tell.

This went on for a while and Rich got kicked out a short while after Nick moved to texas with me and R. after all, Rich and I were living with one of Nick’s high school friends. she was a good hearted person. I think Nick was jealous of the relationship that Rich and her had. that is why I think that the kicked him out. I really felt bad for the guy but didn’t really know what to do at the time.

so later own I changed jobs from Everyone’s Internet and went to work for someone that told me I needed to take out my ear rings and my tongue ring, I was going to meet the president of the company the following week.

this guys name was Rick. Rick has been a good friend of mine. he hired me on at NNI and left during the merger of NNI/Lantel. I got laid off and went to work for a retail computer store called GAP Computers. I was the tech that was also a sales man. we had a 24 hour turn around period on all repairs, unless we had to order a part that we didn’t have in stock.

I left there to do consulting work for a company. when I first started working for this company I was busted by the Harris County cops for position of pot. 13.2 grams. that was almost a felony offense. I spent about 48 hours awake sitting on a concrete bench. by the time that I was bailed out of jail I was given a blanket and all of us were laying on the floor lined up head to toe. you had a choice. you could lay on the concrete and cover yourself or you could lay on the blanket and still be cold. either way you were going to be cold.

Rick bailed me out of jail and he was hurt and upset. I felt bad. but at the same time I felt that I had done nothing wrong. I wasn’t being done wrong either. it is just the way that the laws are. I had not hurt a single person, other than someone else feelings and pride in me. my girlfriend at the time was really upset at me as well.

so I am able to keep my job with the consulting company that I just started with and because of having a 2 car insurance party twice, they decided to let me go. that company did a lot of great things to help me out as well. I think Brian for all the help that he provided me back then.

because of the let go with that company I called Rick up to see if he knew of anything going on. he had an opening with the company that he changed to in the NNI/Lantel merger. I accepted the offer because it would get me closer to my family. I may have been a little home sick. I also left my girlfriend behind. I don’t know if I just needed out from under everything or not. I really just needed to start over again.

i’m no longer working with Rick. in fact I don’t hardly ever talk with him. it is a shame really life has led us to grow apart. just a year ago Rick married me and my wife. it really is crazy to think about how fast life starts moving.

so I have been with my current company for almost 4 years. I dread going into work on a dialy basis. it is not the people that I work with so much as it is the policies and the stupid shit that happens at the office. hell lets be honest, I just hate the office. it is not a fun place to work. it is a stiff collar environment that just doesn’t fit me very well. the walls do not change color. I have been staring at the same color yellow for 4 years. what the hell is wrong with me? that is what is wrong with me. the color of the damn walls.

no really I just can’t get a grip at work very much any more. the security policies, or I should say the lack there of. the fact that people just do not want to learn at all. this alone will drive anyone crazy. I don’t feel that people should grab computer concepts as fast as I do or someone that is better than me. I do think that they should try. these people don’t even care to try and the company, I feel, has made them that way. and that is sad.

so if I don’t seem to be posting much any more, or doing the ASMW there are reasons. the reasons are that i’m working on really finding my calling in life. one that I have yet to be able to find. the rollor coaster ride that I am on with life sucks. I love my wife, and life with my wife is wonderful. I feel that i’m 110% good to go there. I think that we can both work on things, and we are. and that to me matters a lot.

so you may be wondering what am I going to do with my life. what is really my calling. well right now I feel that it is teaching people about computers. I have found myself just sitting and talking with people and helping them out when people want to learn. I can take time and help people understand things if they are looking for answers. i’m not going to waist time with people that don’t care any more, i’m tired of fighting that fight. I am just going to focus on the people that are looking for help. I just need to find the people that are looking for help.

if you are looking for help, please let me know. I don’t know what I will be able to do if you are not local to me but I will try to help. if you are local to me, i’m working on getting a school going, or at least something during the evening hours. you can find the website at http://atlanix.org. if you want to make a donation, please feel free. if you want to contact me please fill out the form. it is not the best website right now, but it is getting there. please feel free to ask any questions you like.

your welcome to drop me a comment here if you like as well. i’m hoping that the journey that i’m taking to help others will in turn help me to find the joy that i once had when i was hanging out with friends, smoking pot, and just enjoying life.